


Damned If I Don't

by MystericaEngland (MystericasMercy)



Series: Blueberries and Plums [2]
Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Marvel 616/MCU Hybrid, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Jealous Bucky Barnes, Jealousy, M/M, Minor James "Rhodey" Rhodes/Tony Stark, Not really but I needed to make that reference due to the fic's title, Oblivious Tony Stark, POV Tony Stark, Pining Tony Stark, Pre-Slash, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is at an All Time Low
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 12:24:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7170911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MystericasMercy/pseuds/MystericaEngland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is Tony's POV of my previous fic, Damned If I Do Ya, and thus part 2 of the Blueberries and Plums series.</p><p>When Tony noticed how uncomfortable James would get whenever he flirted with men, he tried his best to stop. He did. But it wasn't easy; because the one he wanted to flirt with the most was James himself; and how could he tell the man who was obviously not fully okay with Tony engaging romantically with other men that he was the one he liked?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Damned If I Don't

When Tony noticed how uncomfortable James would get whenever he flirted with men, he tried his best to stop. He did. But it wasn't easy; because the one he wanted to flirt with the most was James himself; and how could he tell the man who was obviously not fully okay with Tony engaging romantically with other men that he was the one he liked? Not to mention that, according to Tony, starting a relationship with James would be a very bad idea. He's not good with relationships, never has been, never will be. There had never been anyone who stayed with him – no one besides Rhodey, that is. But while Rhodey always remained by his side, loving him unconditionally and without a doubt, perhaps even knowing him better than anybody else on the planet, they had never been in a relationship, so it didn't count. Perhaps they should have been; perhaps then, there would have been somebody who could manage to be with Tony until the end. But as always, things just couldn't go in Tony's favour. So here he was, secretly pining over Captain fucking America's best friend. He should have known better than to be this affectionate with Rhodey when Bucky entered the room, but it was already too late. He had seen them, he had ignored the flirting. All-in-all: Tony was screwed.

 

So he remained awake for the rest of that night, unable to fall asleep, unable to forget how much he screwed up, and kept working in his workshop. He would later blame it on the lack of sleep, but mostly on his stupid inability to do anything right – seems like his father was right after all, and he was nothing but a failure – that he didn't stop his flirtations with Steve when the man he actually liked approached them. Only when James crushed an empty cup of coffee with his flesh hand, Tony stopped. He was staring at his hand, at the blood dripping down from it, and how James didn't even seem to notice it, too busy shouting at him to stop. He fucked up so badly. He feared that he finally destroyed everything between them, finally made James realise that he doesn't want to be around someone like him anymore; after all, if he can get him worked up that badly, it just implies the worst. Thoughts about all the late-nights spent together crossed his mind, all the times James gave him his smile that could honest-to-god make the sun envious, all the times they calmed each other down after nightmares, or Tony's panic attacks, or James' flashbacks. All their laughs, all their jokes, everything. When he heard James say “I think I should go”, Tony wanted to grab for his hand and make him stay; he wanted to clean his wound, tell him he's sorry – but he felt like he had no right to do so, so he let him run off. Later that day, however, James returned – and Tony had never felt more grateful to anyone before... well, safe for Rhodey, that is. James wanted to stay by his side. It warmed his heart a little to realise this. Following said realisation, Tony became determined to ensure James would never feel uncomfortable in his presence again; that is, until he would realise that James became okay with it again.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  


Their current villain of the week – which would soon turn into the villain of the month - required them to do some undercover work, and Natasha decided it would be a great idea to team Tony and James up, telling Steve about why that would be the best course of action. “Think of it, it makes sense. You and I have been working together a lot of times now, our undercover missions are nearly perfect at this point. Sam and Clint even each other out in a difficult situation, and these two–“ she pointed over her shoulder, “understand each other blindly nowadays. Normally I would say Stark should work with me, but this is an important mission, and we can't risk any mistakes due to misunderstandings.” And with that, it was agreed.

  
12 hours later, and they found themselves in a hotel room together, with Tony feeling more and more awkward with the minute. For one thing, they were supposed to share a bed with one another – not a big deal, Tony knew, as he and Rhodey often shared a bed together, while James and Steve had a tendency to share a bed before as well, so really, that wasn't too bad; he even told James as much. What was bad, however, was that the hotel staff believed them to be a couple, which more than obviously would make James uncomfortable, seeing how he didn't like Tony being with men, and that they now had to act it as well, at least to some extend. James reassured him over and over that it would be okay, that their little pretense act wouldn't ruin their friendship, but Tony knew that James saw how his smile twitched; he had long since noticed how James started reading his expressions. After James kindly provided him with the embrace from Pepper, the most amazing woman on earth, thank you very much, to calm him down, Tony decided it was enough.

  


No more pining over James. He needed to calm down, needed to get his head out of his ass. And so he told him he would leave for the next few hours; he went to get drunk. It wasn't what he had planned, he merely wanted to go for a stroll, maybe have one drink, but one became two, and two became a whole bottle. Even worse, it was getting really late, and he had to return to James; he told him he wouldn't be out till the end of the night! So when he quietly made his way back to their flat, he was quite surprised to find that James was there in a heartbeat; enhanced hearing or not, Tony was fairly sure he was being rather quiet around the super soldier, who simply drank his tequila and dragged him to bed. And again, he had never been more grateful to James Buchanam Barnes, who didn't ask, and didn't tell. It was their secret. Admittingly, one that they probably should have shared, but it was also one that Tony wasn't ready to share. Especially not as it would have required to come clean about his emotions, and that was a whole new kind of fucked up. James wouldn't want to hear that.

  


… Except he did. Because one day, as Tony came out of the shower, he noticed how James was looking at him. He knew that look, had noticed it often enough on himself when talking to or about James, or when he had been with Pepper, or, nowadays, when he looks at James and thinks he can't see him. It finally clicked. All those implications that Rhodey and Pepper made, all those moments in which James seemed to get mad at him for no reason other than Tony being Tony around others, despite James having said that he has no problem with same-sex relationships. It wasn't because he disliked the idea of Tony being with anyone who wasn't of the opposite gender. It was because Tony was seemingly making a move on someone who wasn't him. For just the glimpse of a second, Tony felt hope inside his chest. Hope that things could be finally going his way, that he could be happy with someone who wouldn't leave; James had seen him at his worst points before, after all. But then he remembered.

None of this would be a good idea. He could never be good enough for James, he would mess this up somehow, mess up their friendship, mess up everything. Because that's all he ever did. He was a sissy, and a coward, and he may have called himself “Iron Man”, but he was never, ever, made of Iron. Perhaps that was what he got for not being a true Stark.

  


And so, he would make it his goal to safe James from himself; safe James from the heartbreak he would experience with Tony Stark.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Got any prompts? Message me on tumblr!  
> http://mystericaengland.tumblr.com/ask


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